I've had an epiphany... I have a burning desire to live for Jesus is all ways... I didn't realize how selfish my motives were when I decided to go to art school. I wanted to have recognition and even fame for myself and my artwork. I am good at it...so I decided, what better thing for me to do? I am actually very surprised that I figured this out so easily. My stubbornness has been slowly worn away ever since I quit basketball. (long story) I know that this year or even this semester is already paid for and that I shouldn't waist the money by completely dropping out of school. That would be very selfish of me. I am no quitter, but I don't want to let my pride get in the way of what God wants for my life and stay here for art another 3 1/2 years when I know that this isn't where I'm supposed to be. The fact that I'm here now is evidence that I should be here at the moment for whatever reason. Everything happened in perfect order this summer and I know that if I wasn't supposed to be here right now, I wouldn't be. I am a different person than I was even a couple months ago. I hope this is evident in my life, but mostly my point is that I am not my own. I am on this earth to do God's work. I only wish that I would've asked God what he wanted me to do after high school. Things would be much easier if I wouldn't have been so selfish. I know what some of you must be thinking, and no, this is not due to me and Brendan being brought together lately. I know that I would be just as miserable here, even if I were single and waiting for the one. I would have the same realization if that were that situation too. Lately I've also realized that I don't need or even want a lot of money to be completely content. Why I went to college, I don't know... I could be dirt poor living in a shack with Brendan and our dirty kids and still be happy. Ok, this might be a bit of an exaggeration. I would feel bad that my kids were dirty so I wouldn't be completely happy.  All I would need in life as far as I can see now is a peace that what I'm doing is for Jesus. Money is no object. It's obviously necessary for survival (if you don't wanna eat bugs and wear skins in the forest like John the Baptist) because of our culture and economic system. My final point is that dreams change. It was a selfish dream and it is now dead. I have a new one. I want to do what God wants me to do, whether that means living here or in a different country. I don't care. It's what God wants so I know life won't be empty and that it will be worth every second of it. I pray that I get through this semester with desire for Jesus still burning brighter than it ever has. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated also if you feel so inclined. Let me also set the record straight. I am happier right now than I have ever been in my life. With all the gifts that God has given me recently, to dwell on a minor detail, like these next couple months of life minus Brendan would be an atrocity towards all the blessings given to me lately. I will never take them for granted. I will never take him for granted, and I will thank God for whatever comes my way. Even Tyler...as much as I despise it. It was meant to make me stronger. I'm gonna stick it out till the end of the semester because, that's what I'm supposed to do. Thank you Jesus. Edit: I decided to look for answers in the...book of answers...God's word, and I was flipping through to see if I would come across anything or if anything would stand out in any way. My bible was a gift to all graduates of high school this past year from my parents church. In the front cover of each of the them they wrote a verse. I knew that I had to go there and my insequirities would be quelled in a sense. It was Psalms 20:4. It says, "May he grant your hearts desires and make all your plans succeed." This is probably the most encouraging thing I've heard since I started college, especially since there are so many options for the future. I realized that God doesn't always do things the hard way to teach us lessons. He sometimes tests our faith to see if we will actually do what he says to do. Like the story of Abraham and Isaac, God told Abraham that he should take his only son that he prayed for and desired for so long, and sacrifice Isaac on the top of a mountain. The story often points out Isaacs willingness to be the sacrifice, but doesn't too often think of Abraham and the fact that he was willing to kill his own son for God, simply because God had instructed him to. The story ends with an alternative sacrifice, a ram, or in a metaphorical sense, "a way out" of the terrible situation. God has tested people before and who is to say he's not doing it to me right now. I'm willing to see Brendan go to Grenada if now is the time for him. I also have an irrefutable sence that I am not supposed to be going to Tyler for much longer, as I described in the friggin essay I wrote above. My assurance that this is right is getting stronger and stronger by the hour. I know that God wants me to have the desires of my heart, but he also wants me to never stop appreciating the amazingness that is God. I will always trust in him. I also had the innate sence that God wants me to grow in him and that a DTS is exactly the kind of thing that I need to do in the future. I had to have known this deep down, but my selfish tendancies led me to Tyler. God doesnt nessicarily need for me to suffer to know that I love him and will always follow him. No matter what happens, I will accept it and will be able to look to the future with high hopes. I am a happy woman. ~Shanna | 
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